How to Handle Fear in Choosing the “Right” Partner

A common fear in the dating world is whether you are being “too picky” or if you are “settling” when it comes to choosing a partner you will spend the rest of your life with.  Sometimes, both fears are held at once. Whether you fear you are settling or being too picky, the fear is the same; that is being unsure if the right person for you is out there.  More specifically, someone who thinks they are too picky fears they won’t find the “right” partner and someone who thinks they are settling thinks this might not be the right person but they may never find the right one anyways.  These fears are two sides of the same coin and can be overcome in the same way. 

First, know who you are.  What are your love languages?  How do you typically handle conflict or strong emotions?  What do you value? What do you believe in? What is important to you? Identify both your strengths and flaws.  Knowing who you are as a person and how you are in relationships will help you to determine if the significant other you are with is the right person for you based on how they relate to you and what you have in common.

Secondly, know what you want in a partner and a relationship.  Ask yourself, how do you wish to be treated? What qualities and characteristics do you desire in a partner?  What values do you hold that your potential life partner needs to hold as well? What is a dealbreaker? What is ideal?  And in what areas can you compromise? Knowing what you want can help you decide early on whether a relationship is going to work.  If you know what you are looking for, you can have the “deep conversations” early on in the relationship. Despite what society tells us is appropriate for discussion early in a relationship, it’s necessary to lay out all your baggage, desires, and needs early on to figure out as soon as you can if you have a future together.

Additionally, have confidence in yourself and believe that you know what is best for you.  It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks you’re “too picky” or that you might be settling. Their opinion is based on their own standards of what kind of partner is right for you, not your own.  They aren’t going to be a part of your relationship and thus their opinion and expectations don’t matter. The only opinions that matter are yours and your partner’s.  
Finally, There is no set time line for when you need to choose a life partner.  So take your time. The clock isn’t ticking when it comes to love. It will happen on your time and only you can say when that is.

In short, know who you are, know what you want, take your time, and trust yourself and your ability to choose the love of your life. 

Originally written for Deep Soulful Love. Edited from original to be gender and relationship inclusive. Also, this is not an all inclusive list for dealing with fear in choosing a partner, just a few starting points. If you are experiencing more stress around choosing a partner, please reach out to a therapist near you!