Love’s Evolution in Relationships

I see many couples and individuals who come to me saying things like, “the spark is gone in our marriage,” “I love him, but I’m not ‘in love with him’’, or “my feelings for her have changed over the years.”  If this resonates with you, you are not alone. In fact, these kinds of feelings are common and, dare I say, NORMAL for a long term relationship. I know, I know, that sounds like a complete and utter bummer.  After all, we all know that if you don’t feel those warm fuzzy butterflies 24/7 your relationship is dying and doomed to fail. False. (I hope you heard that in Dwight Shrute’s voice as I did). It means your relationship is maturing.  The love between you and your partner is changing into something more thoughtful, rational, and selfless. This is a beautiful and overlooked experience between lovers that’s ignored by contemporary society which values only the early kind of love in a relationship.

I like to use the metaphor of dogs and cats when speaking about the two kinds of love between intimate partners.  Early in the relationship, partners experience what some call obsessional love. This love is not unlike that of a dog for its owner.  If you’ve ever known a dog, you’ll know they are nearly always very excited whenever their human is home. They will follow you everywhere, even into the bathroom, just so they can be near you.  They are overjoyed when they see you and have no chill. You are their world and they just can’t possibly live without you or stand a moment away from you. They want all your love and they want it all the time.  They need it like they need air.

Early or obsessional love is not unlike that mentioned above.  It is a wonderful and exhilarating feeling (aka butterflies and warm fuzzies).  Its purpose is to get you interested and bonded quickly to your partner, and maybe even inspire you to make babies, that is, evolutionarily speaking. However, this love is inherently selfish.  It’s a love based on one’s own need for love, companionship, connection, bonding, etc. Not unlike the dog, we feel we need our partner like we need air. Sometimes, it comes off a little desperate and suffocating when its not reciprocated.  But when it is, it is a love that could be immortalized in love stories for centuries. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not knocking obsessional love. It’s amazing to get swept up in. However it cannot last in a healthy relationship. Eventually, it changes into a more rational and considerate love.

As time goes on in an intimate relationship, the love you share evolves.  It changes from obsessional love to intentional/rational love. This intentional or rational love is likened to that of a cat and it’s human.  The cat can go off and do its own thing. It’s fine without you. You can leave for a few days with some food and water and it will be perfectly fine.  The cat may occasionally need you to feed it, but if you don’t it will hunt down its own food. You make their lives easier, but you are not needed to do so.  The love the cat gives you is not because it needs it (frankly, it’d be okay without you) but to show you how much it cares. It will bring you a mouse, leaf, toy, etc because it loves you; wanting you to be well and healthy and alive.  There is mutual love and support between a cat and its human, but also freedom and space.

The intentional love in a long term relationship is done to benefit the one you love, rather than to ensure you yourself feel loved.  It’s selfless. It’s a choice. It is love with a lot of thought and planning done solely for the benefit of your beloved, who also loves you in the same way.  With this love, we can go out and explore the world, take on new challenges and risks, and always have a safe base of support and encouragement. We are liberated by this love, rather than stifled or suffocated.  It is through intentional love we grow, as unique individuals and as partners. It feeds our emotional need to be loved and cared for and contributes to other needs as well. This love, is a lasting love.

Unfortunately, intentional love is not as exciting as obsessional love.  It doesn’t make for dramatic, heart wrenching books or movies. It inspires very few poems and songs.  Due to the limited exposure of intentional love the myth that a lasting relationship is one built on a whirlwind romance pervades our ideas of what a relationship should be.  Because of this, we ignore, overlook, or disregard the gift of intentional love.  Instead, we are suspicious and fearful of this type of love, believing it brings about the relationship’s doom rather than its growth.  And because we haven’t heard many messages on how to foster this intentional love, we are in uncharted territory and do not know how to handle love’s evolution.  This lack of knowledge and need for guidance throws so many relationships into turmoil. Alleviating this turmoil requires a shift in our beliefs about love and relationships and appropriate actions based on this new perspective.  

Adjusting and accepting this new love can be difficult, but it is not impossible.  In fact, this is a fairly common issue brought to couples counseling. Couples counseling can help you and your partner overcome society’s myth about love and help you to create your own story of love, perhaps even a fairy tale where you live intentionally ever after.