What is Trust & How Does it Work?

Often I see couples and individuals coming in and saying, “We want to rebuild trust” or “I want to be able to trust them again/more.”  However, frequently these clients do not fully understand what they are actually asking for. When confronted with the question of “how do you think you do that?” or “what does trust look like in your relationship?” they are at a loss for words.  I, myself, only had an inkling of what it means to trust someone and what is required until I undertook this exploration of trust with some of my clients. Here is what we discovered:

Trust is Both an Emotion and an Action.

Usually, when people say they want to trust another what they really want is the feeling of trust.  This feeling of trust could be defined as feeling safe with another emotionally or physically, being confident in the other person, having a belief in the goodness and intentions of the other person, and/or feeling secure when the other is in a situation in which trust is required.  Feelings of trust may be similar to feelings of peace or tranquility, or at the very least a positive emotional state. Unfortunately, you can’t suddenly make yourself feel things, even trust. You can’t wave a magic wand, cast “Accio Trust,”  and suddenly you feel you trust someone.  That’s not how emotions work. Instead, they are reactions to the world around us.  They respond to what is happening. Feelings of trust are no different. They emerge after an act of trust in which the other shows us that our trust was well placed.

The act of trust requires making a choice.  It is choosing to put your faith in another person.  It is a choice made from reason which takes courage and wisdom.  This choice is made by reflecting on the character of the person you (want to) trust and knowing they are good, managing your own emotions of anxiety or fear in order to be secure, and giving the other the opportunity to show you they are trustworthy.  

Trust is an Individual Responsibility

The act of trust is solely the responsibility of the one who desires to feel trust in another.  Since feelings/emotions are reactions to the world around us, others cannot make us feel anything.  Rather, others may be what our emotions react to. Therefore, in order to build feelings of trust one must first choose to trust, creating a situation in which your emotions may result in trust.

No One Can Earn Your Trust

I understand the sentiment when someone says they want to “earn someone’s trust” but this isn’t possible.  You cannot expect someone to “earn your trust” without first engaging in the act of trusting this person. Instead of “earning your trust” others can only show you that they are trustworthy, after you make the choice to trust them.  This may seem like an argument of semantics, but how we speak of things implies different meanings. “Earning trust” implies the other is responsible for your feelings and must come prior to you trusting them (in action or feeling). However, we already discussed that trusting is the responsibility of the individual who desires to trust.  On the other hand, someone showing you they are trustworthy works to reinforce your idea that you can trust them, increase feelings of trust in that person, and makes it easier for you to choose to trust them in the future. But this can only occur if you make that choice to trust first.

Trust is a Choice You Continuously Make

The act of trusting is situationally specific.  You make the choice to trust another as situations requiring trust arise.  Trust is something you continuously work at developing. You cannot max out your trust and then you’re done.  Feeling you trust another is continuous as an emotional state of mind, but it only remains this way if you make the choice to actively trust another over and over again.  The feeling of trust can make it easier to make this choice, however it does not mean the choice does not need to be made.

Understanding what trust is, how it works, and who is responsible for it can help you work to build trust in your own relationships.  My hope is that by taking a closer look at something often taken for granted it can help us all to become more trusting of others and foster positive feelings for those we love and cherish.