How to Live Without Expectations

If you find yourself sitting across from me in the therapy room, there’s a very good chance you will hear me say, “You can curse all you want in here.  The only ‘swear word’ here is ‘should.’” By now some of my clients might think I have a personal vendetta against the word. In truth, if “Should” and I were in a room, we’d both be throwing each other the stink eye.  My old nemesis, “Should” really knows how to bring folks down. It’s an imposing force that demands attention, and them makes you feel bad for looking at it.

In a previous blog post, I discussed how changing the way you speak can increase well-being by removing “Should” from your vocabulary.  The reason this works is that by using other words you are releasing yourself from expectations. “Expectation” is the parent of “Should.”  It can be present without the use of “should language”, but it’s just as harmful to our mental health, relationships, and view of ourselves.  

Expectations frequently lead to disappointment when we hold too tightly to them.  Very rarely can we control if our expectations are met. For example, I might expect to see six clients in one day.  However, it may be that one doesn’t show. Then, I’m only seeing five that day. If I hold tightly to this expectation, I will be disappointed or upset because my day is not what I wanted.  It was out of my control, even if I did my very best to see six clients in a day. I might have sent reminders, maintained good relationships with my clients, and planned for a full schedule, but these actions did not guarantee I saw six clients.  Yet, this is all I really can do. I may still only see five clients, but that’s okay. I’m proud of what I did to maintain my clients and the sessions that I had with them. I can still be satisfied even if the day did not go as I hoped.

Letting go of expectations doesn’t mean you don’t put any effort into life.  Life demands effort. Even so, you can be an active participant in your life and not have expectations.  You can have goals, boundaries, and work toward things. You can make plans and have standards. What you let go of is the need for things to happen in just the way you want it and replace it with acceptance for the way things are.

I love the way the Stoics approach this concept.  I was reading Massimo Pigliucci’s book, How to be a Stoic, where he was explaining this concept with a quote from Cicero which stated “the actual hitting of the mark [is] to be chosen but not to be desired.”  Cicero was using a metaphor of an archer shooting a target. The archer can do all he can to hit his mark but this end result is not for him to determine; something could get in the way.  What this means for us is that we may choose a goal, and work toward it, but that the end result may not happen because something could prevent it from happening. Desire or the expectation that the goal will be met is what causes the disappointment rather than what actually happens.  Therefore, I may choose to have six clients in one day and work to have six clients in one day, but if I do not desire it then I can accept the day as it is no matter how many clients I end up seeing.  

Being an active participant in life and letting go of expectations switches our focus from the end result (an expectation) onto what is good in what did happen.  (I still helped five people!). In this way, we can find joy and satisfaction rather than disappointment, self-doubt, anger, shame, guilt, inadequacy, or any other negative emotion which might befall us.  We cannot guarantee the expectation will be met. We are, however, capable of accepting what happened as is and guaranteed to find the good in what actions we took in choosing a goal, even if the goal was not met.