Love Like Cooked Spaghetti

When I’m in a session with a couple or an individual who comes to me to work on a relationship issue, it is not uncommon for one of the early sessions to involve discussing the 5 Love Languages.  I know, you’re probably thinking, “what is it with this woman and her obsession with this book/idea?!?!” I’m so glad you asked…er…thought this. So let me explain why I’m constantly asking my clients if they know what their primary and secondary love languages are.  

I firmly believe that working on the 5 love languages early on in therapy is crucial to later work with couples and relationship issues.  My theory is, if you do not feel loved by your partner or are not willing to work on these basic concepts and expressions of love, you will not be able to work on later improvements to your relationship.  Firstly, if neither you nor your partner feel loved by the other, it will be more difficult to communicate and attempts at communicating about the relationship may turn negative due to feelings of judgement, blame, negative outlooks, and hurt feelings.  If you cannot talk about your relationship without getting hurt or offended or feeling blamed, it’s going to be a million times harder to understand each other’s differing perspectives and take what you learn in therapy and apply it to your relationship.  Secondly, if you are not willing to show your partner love, it is less likely you will be willing to take further action to improve the relationship. The application of the 5 love languages into your relationship is a baby step to bigger changes. Finally,  it’s not uncommon for me to hear that one partner wants the other to do something first. Couples end up in a “relationship chicken” situation when this happens. So working on showing each other love is an easier and more heartwarming way to break that cycle than say, working on communication skills right away.  This is possible because partners can work on incorporating the 5 love languages at the same time. Both partner’s take this step together and it eliminates the need for one person to make the first move. You make this move together.

Talking about the love languages are important in early sessions, but enacting them are key to making relationship changes.  Therefore, it’s important to do them right. Many times it is not that partners are not showing each other love, it is just that what they do doesn’t stick.  Imagine your attempts at showing love is a piece of spaghetti and your partner is a wall. When you give someone love that is not in their primary love language, it’s like throwing uncooked or not fully cooked spaghetti at the wall.  It hits it, but it doesn’t stick. It doesn’t make a big impact on the wall and falls to the floor. This is not yours, the spaghetti’s, or the partner’s fault. However, if you throw fully cooked spaghetti at the wall, its gonna stick.  The same thing happens when you speak your partner’s primary love language. The action sticks and has a greater impact on your partner’s ability to feel loved; having a larger impact on the relationship.

A word of caution: if you know your partner’s love language you also know how best to hurt them.

BACK TO THE SPAGHETTI!  

We all make bids for love to our partners.  We ask for things and sometimes complain, which communicates what kind of love we need.  If a partner doesn’t receive a show of love in a non-primary love language, it doesn’t impact them in the same way as not being shown love in a primary love language.  It’s like the wet, not fully cooked spaghetti sliding off the wall and leaving a little wet mark. It may hurt, but not as significantly. However, if you miss a bid for love in your partner’s love language, it’s like pulling the fully cooked spaghetti off the wall after its sat there and dried.  It’s going to pull the paint off the wall, looking like a deep cut (I speak from cooking experience and do not recommend trying this at home). Missing these bids for love will cause greater pain and hurt feelings. It is imperative to identify these bids and fulfill them as often as possible.

Therefore, not only is learning about your partner’s love language vitally important to your relationship and the future of therapeutic success, but it’s also important to love in the right way to make the greatest impact.  This is why the love languages are so important for me to bring up in early sessions. So, remember to love each other like cooked spaghetti. In fact, fill that wall with spaghetti every chance you get!