BOOK REVIEW: The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman & Nan Silver

Pages:  284

Ideal Reader:  Individuals and couples in any stage of a relationship including “single and looking” to “road test your relationship before making a permanent commitment,”  “committed and want to bolster and protect what you have,” partners facing drastic life changes and challenges, and couples whose relationship is in danger of ending.

Issues Addressed:

• Desire to enhance and strengthen intimate relationships
• Disconnection from partner
• Frequent arguments “over nothing”
• Experiencing unsolvable differences
• Dealing with common Emotional Tasks of marriage (ex:  stress, in-laws, sex, money, housework, etc.)
• Desire to begin a lasting relationship prior to marriage

Summary:

John Gottman and Nan Silver’s book on the seven principles that make a marriage work compiles extensive research on marriage completed by John Gottman and The Gottman Institute and condenses it into a practical guide useful in improving intimate relationships.  The book provides information on warning signs of a relationship turning south and offer ways to prevent or remedy the damage caused by harsh communication and the Four Horsemen of the Marriage Apocalypse. Inside you will find explanations of each of the following seven principles:

1. Enhance Your Love Maps
2. Nurture Your Fondness and Admiration
3. Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away
4. Let Your Partner INfluence You
5. Solve Your Solvable Problems
6. Overcome Gridlock
7. Create Shared Meaning

In addition to explanations, each chapter on a principle includes assessments which provide insight into a couples strong areas and exercises to strengthen areas which require more work.  Assessments and exercises are clearly written and easy to understand which allows a couple to improve their marriage, increase connection, and work as a team through the use of this book alone.  However, the authors note this book may not be able to solve all problems and that professional help via a couples counselor is beneficial in these cases.

How it Helps:

• Identify danger areas in your relationship
• Provides research findings on happy, successful marriages to combat danger signs leading to divorce (ie: The seven Principles)
• Provides assessments to inform reader which principles  they are successful at and which need work.
• Provides straightforward exercises and tips related to each principle with helpful examples to help improve relationships.
• Problem resolution guides that work.
• Increase connection, friendship, empathy, and understanding between partners.

Therapist Reflections:

My initial motivation for reading this book was that I found it on sale.  My immediate motivation after that was that it gave me an opportunity to learn about and begin to understand John Gottman’s research and approach to working with couples before investing hundreds of dollars on a training I wasn’t sure I’d be interested.  I first learned about John Gottman and the Gottman institute during my undergraduate career in a social psychology class. His research and the Love Lab was fascinating. During my masters, I learned a little about the Gottman method in working with couples.  I didn’t really have much of an opinion of it, whether it worked or not, then. I was, to be honest, skeptical. Upon reading this book though I’ve come to an understand of how the research informed method is beneficial in helping couples build successful, pleasant, lifelong intimate relationships.  The seven principles target key areas which support a couple in making the best relationship they can; one with friendship, a way to solve problems and coexist as “we” while being individuals, and to build understanding and empathy between partners. The seven principles are a great start to strengthening your relationship.  However, it’s just that, a start. The authors state that this does not solve all problems for all couples but it provides valuable building blocks to working in the right direction to do so.

My biggest “criticism” is one also noted by the authors.  The book speaks only about a marriage between a man and a woman.  The reason for this is that this is what they have been researching.  They note they are conducting similar research with homosexual couples as well, but so far cannot generalize their findings to these couples.  This is good, ethical reporting of findings, so I do not see it as a downfall. That said, some of these concepts likely could work for homosexual couples and possibly poly-relationships as well.  It may take some creativing or adjusting some ideas but overall it is likely to be beneficial to a variety of different kinds of relationships.