How to Foster Intentional Love in Relationships

Gary Chapman proposes that there is an expiration date on “obsessional love.”  This love is that “falling in love” feeling complete with warm fuzzies and a desire so spend every waking moment with one’s significant other.  It is charged with emotion and chemistry. However, as suggested in his book, The Five Love Languages: The Secrets to Love that Lasts, the average lifespan of this obsessional romance is about 1 to 2 years.  When obsession fades it is replaced by a love which unites emotion and reason. One requiring self-discipline, choice, and personal growth to maintain. This love is one which better fulfills our emotional need for love since it is more consistent, intentional, and focused on the other.  It is a love that gives, rather than seeks to receive and encourages reciprocity. It benefits and supports our loved one with a conscious concern for their well-being and interests.

While reading the book, several themes struck me as being helpful rules, guidelines, or vows in a marriage/committed relationship which help to foster this intentional love.  These “rules” are grounded in self-discipline, reason, and a deep caring for each other and the relationship that maintains a loving union between two individuals. The “rules” needed in fostering intentional love are based on quotes from the book and are presented as vows you make together to your relationship:

Forgiveness is the Way of Love (p. 45):

In this relationship, we will forgive.  Forgiveness means showing mercy to each other.  It requires letting go of past hurts in order to forge a more loving future.  We will not keep score or bring up past failures to hurt one another. We will not bring the hurt of yesterday into today, and we will approach every new day with each other with new eyes and a loving heart.  Forgiveness is not something we feel for each other, but a commitment to each other to not hold grudges. Forgiveness is an act of love we do for the other.

Love Makes Requests, Not Demands (p. 45):

We will not demand each other to love us in a specific way.  Instead, we will request love, as requesting love creates opportunities and possibilities.  Requests shall be made in the form of a question. These requests give direction to love, which keep love flowing between us.  Demands stop this flow of love. Requests allow us to make choices in how we show each other love.

Love is a Choice and Cannot be Coerced (p 100):

To love each other is a choice.  It is not something we are forced to do, and it is not something we will coerce from each other.  Each day, we will make the choice to love one another, and show each other love. Choosing to show love in the way the other requests love will be most effective, but we are free to choose other ways of expressing love to each other.

Love is Something You do for Someone Else, Not Something You do for Yourself (p. 138):

The expression of our love is purely for the benefit of the other person.  It is an expression that shows we accept each other and are committed to each other’s well being and interests.  We will not use love to gain something for ourselves, to manipulate the other, or with the expectation that this love must be returned, as this is coercion.  The love we show each other is meant to fulfill our emotional needs, which enhances our relationship and draws us closer to each other, while at the same time building each other up at individuals and contributing to both individual and relationship growth.

Falling in love is easy.  It takes almost no thought.  Maintaining a love that meets the emotional needs of each partner is one which takes courage, intention, reason, self-discipline, and a commitment to the well-being of your partner.  This is the secret to creating a love which lasts a lifetime.