Coupling Through Covid-19

A month ago, none of us could have expected to be facing a global pandemic.  As time goes on, the effects of increased anxiety, stay-home orders, loss, and financial instability creeps into our everyday lives.  Unsurprisingly it’s also having an impact on intimate relationships. Coupling and long term relationships require work under the best of circumstances.  Facing uncertainty and stress on a daily basis adds some other unique challenges. We cannot be certain how long this will last, or what life will be like when it’s “over” but we can work on maintaining our relationships with each other while we wait and see.

So, how do you get through this pandemic as a couple?  While each relationship is unique, and you must do what works best for you, below are a few things to remember or practice during this challenging time: 

You won’t be on the same page, and that’s okay.

Drop the expectation that you and your partner will be on the same page every day.  It’s not going to happen. You are unique individuals with different experiences and perceptions of the world.  This becomes even more apparent at times of high stress, you know, like a pandemic. You will have different ways of coping, and your emotional and mental states will fluctuate day to day.  Your good, energetic, productive days will not always match up. Some days you may power clean the kitchen while your partner naps, and another day your partner may clean the porch while you read.  Letting go of the expectation you both need to be 100% at the exact same time will save you from a ton of petty arguments and hurt feelings. Accept the day and emotional variability as they come and just do your best.

You don’t have to do EVERYTHING together.

Just because you have a lot of time to spend together, doesn’t mean you have to spend every moment together.  Doing so may even be harmful to the relationship. Sometimes partners need time apart. Some may fear this creates distance in a relationship, but it can actually increase closeness.  Alone time gives each of you the opportunity to pursue your own interests, reduce stress, and adds meaning to the time you do spend together. After time apart you may enter quality time in a more relaxed state, grateful for your time together, and may even have interesting things to talk about, allowing you to continue to get to know each other, no matter how long you’ve been together.  In fact, outside a pandemic, space in a relationship fans the flames of sexual desire and excitement! However, sexual intimacy may not be happening a whole lot right now, but that’s “normal.”

Not having sex right now is not a sign of a troubled relationship.

Okay, so maybe “normal” isn’t the right word to use.  Nothing about this situation is “normal.” What I mean is that it’s understandable if the horizontal tango is not on your radar right now.  And frankly, you’re not alone. High levels of stress, anxiety, emotional fluctuations, and being knocked down to Maslow’s bottom two needs in his hierarchy does not create a favorable atmosphere for the erotic.  If sex isn’t happening, its not because your relationship is failing or that you’re not attracted to each other. There are other environmental and situational factors bringing the libido down. It’s quite alright if you’d rather snuggle on the couch binge watching Tiger King or whatever the cool kids are into these days.

Focus on connection.

You might not be having sex right now, so focusing on connecting with each other is important.  Take time to create quality time together with quality conversations. Share your thoughts and feelings with each other.  Express your concerns, your desires, and your struggles. Support each other the best you can. Also, have some fun and make the best of the situation at hand (hello blanket forts and card games, for which there is no age limit)!

Practice compassion.

Be compassionate as you listen to your partner share their thoughts and feelings.  You probably won’t be worried about the same things. Your fears and how you cope with them will be different.  One of you will have a bad day while the other has a good day. The next day it will switch. Shake off the expectations of how either of you “should” be handling a pandemic, and do what you feel is best to take care of each other and yourselves.  If there is one quality that will get you through this together, it’s compassion.

Reach Out.

This is a difficult time.  There is no shame in reaching out to others for help.  Whether it is for your own individual need, or that of your relationship, therapists are available from the comfort of your own home.  They can help you develop communication skills, understand each other, and create new patterns of interacting that can enhance your relationship, even through a pandemic.

Remember, you are in this together and you will come out of this together.