BOOK REVIEW: Mating in Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence by Esther Perel

Pages:  244

Ideal Reader:  Sexually active individuals in long term relationships, Couples, Relationship therapists

Ideal Issues:  

• Difficulty talking about sex/sexuality with significant other
• Differences in sexual desires within a relationship
• Wanting more passion and sex with a partner
• Changes in sex after marriage or children
• Desire to keep sexual passion alive in long term relationship.

Summary:

This book will challenge what you think about love, sex, and relationships.  It brings to light and adds a voice to the feeling that something is off in your relationship when it comes to sex and commitment.  Esther Perel encourages you, with witt and a great sense of humor, to look at what influences our ideas about sex in committed unions and the conflictual relationship between love/security and sex/eroticism.  Perel looks at how our views of sex regarding what is and is not appropriate has been influenced by history, culture, religion, and politics and how these work to stifle our erotic flames. However, Perel goes beyond the gift of providing new understanding and offers suggestions on how to bring that sexy spark back into your relationship!

How it Helps:

• Gain insight on the conflict between security and eroticism.
• Learn how culture, history, religion, politics, and society interfere in the bedroom.
• Provides information on how to overcome the hurdles in a sexless relationship and reclaim eroticism as a couple.

Therapist Reflections:

I genuinely loved reading this book.  Not only was it packed full of helpful and insightful information, but it was written with wit and a sense of humor.  (I may have laughed out loud at a quote from The Simpsons and got excited by some philosophy quotes).  Beyond that, this book was validating to some of my own ideas regarding sex, fantasies, and relationships.  Something I particularly loved was that it reached outside of the bedroom of two individuals and brought in historical, social, cultural, and religious beliefs that influence how we view and enact sexual desires and experiences.  In addition, it normalized sexual fantasy and the inconsistency between our social-out-in-public selves and our sexual selves. Finally, it was non-blaming. This is so important because sexuality is such a sensitive topic people commonly feel blamed or shame when it’s brought up.  There is none of that here. Whether the couple or individual has issues or differences, this book offers aid and understanding in a way that encourages growth and satisfying erotic experiences in relationships.