How to be Assertive Without Being Mean or Rude

Recently, I was watching My Little Pony Friendship is Magic with my children.  One particular episode titled, “Putting Your Hoof Down,” (S2E19) addressed assertiveness.   In it, a very shy and soft spoken pony, Fluttershy, was being pushed aside and taken advantage of while shopping in the market.  She decided to take a class on how to be more assertive. However, instead of becoming assertive she became aggressive. She was mean to her friends and rude to others around her, stating phrases like “You make me lose, I blow my fuse!”, “Maybes are for babies!”,  and “You cut in line, I take what’s mine!” At first she thought it was a good thing, but later came to realize her actions were not getting the desired results and had dire consequences. She feared interacting with others because it was damaging her relationships.

Many others, like Fluttershy, also fear being assertive.  They might be scared it will drive people away or they will be viewed as rude or mean to others.  Often, they are confusing assertiveness with aggression. While both imply the person is tough, there are a number of differences.  Being aggressive means someone is a winner, and therefore someone is a loser. People who are aggressive are looking out only for themselves, do not consider the consequences of their actions, and don’t listen to other’s ideas or feelings.  On the other hand, assertiveness means standing up for oneself while respecting others at the same time.

In order to be assertive without being mean or rude, you must first view yourself as equal to others, and others as equal to you.  Both of you have thoughts, feelings, and needs which are valid. Neither one should take priority. You are a human being, you are worthy, and you have needs, just like everyone else.  Being assertive starts with changing the way you view yourself. If you see yourself as worthy, as on the same playing field as others, you develop the confidence to be assertive and ask for what you need.

Secondly, be fair.  People who are aggressive tend to look out for only their needs and desires.  They want to win. Someone who is assertive is asking for their needs to be met, but not at the expense of another.  They will be considerate of others’ feelings and will come to a fair compromise. Mostly importantly though, they will be fair to themselves.  They will speak up for what they want and stand firm where its necessary to do so. They will not allow either one to benefit at the expense or detriment of another.  

Thirdly, be honest.  Honest with yourself about what you really want and need, your intentions or reasoning for wanting/needing it, and honest with others.  Too often, those who are not assertive will tell themselves they don’t really need something. That its okay to go without in order to preserve the peace or not upset someone else.  As a result, they hurt themselves and struggle going without. Everyone has needs, and being assertive means being honest with yourself on what you need and expressing that need to others.

The previous three aspects of assertiveness are all expressed through communication.  To speak assertively without seeming mean or rude use “I statements” such as “I feel hurt when being called…” or “I think this is unfair, here’s why…”  “I Statements” convey thoughts and feelings without placing blame on another or making accusations. They invite others into a discussion. It may be helpful to practice what you want to say using these statements before having a conversation.  In addition, manage your emotions while being assertive. Stay calm and steady when expressing yourself. If you’re someone who has not traditionally been assertive, others may react negatively to you. Stand your ground and do not be drawn into their emotional dysregulation.  Do not get caught up in an argument. Do so by deep breathing, focusing on what you want to say, continue with what you rehearsed, or inform them if the conversation continues in a negative way you will remove yourself from it and leave if necessary.

Finally, remember, even if you are being assertive without being mean or rude, someone may perceive you as being mean anyways.  You are not responsible for their perspective or emotions. That is up to them. You cannot control how they think of you, but their reactions do not erase your needs.

At the end of the show, Fluttershy demonstrated you could be considerate of others while standing up for yourself when she calmly but firmly stated, “No means no.”  Her wishes were respected, her needs were met, and no one viewed her as mean or rude. She teaches us that assertiveness does not strip you of who you are. It does not take away your kindness or considerate heart.  Instead, it contributes to an even more authentic you with healthy boundaries and relationships with others.