What to do When Your Significant Other Seems Distant and Cold

We all have expectations on how our relationships with others are supposed to work.  However, the reality is that our expectations are very rarely met. Things beyond our control impact our relationships with others such as stress from work, different upbringings, cultural beliefs and values, and personality differences.  These can all interfere with our expectations and leave us disappointed.

When the person you are with seems to become distant and cold it’s important to examine your expectations, external factors that may be impacting your significant other’s behavior, and what could be causing this dissonance between what you expect and what’s happening.

First, take a good, honest look at your expectations. Ask yourself if they are reasonable?  Are the expectations you have for your relationship tangible and capable of being met with the person you are with?  If not, ask yourself why? Is it too soon in the relationship to have these expectations? How well do you know your significant other?  Does he/she also share your expectations or have others of their own? Are you willing to let go of your expectations or adjust them to better fit the present relationship; one between two different and unique individuals?

Asking yourself these questions will allow you to get a better perspective on what you want, where you have wiggle room, and what is really important to you in a relationship.  Hopefully these will provide answers on how to approach your significant other. While you might have figured things out about yourself, your partner’s input is vital as well. After all, it wouldn’t be a relationship if it was just you.

Next, consider what may be causing your significant other to act distant and cold.  Is he under a lot of stress? Is she an introvert and you misunderstand her need to recharge her energy as “coldness,” taking her behavior personally?  Is the relationship getting really serious, making your partner uncomfortable so he/she pulls away, indicative of a possible avoidant attachment style?

Given what you discover, your significant other’s behavior may mean they need support, are going through a stressful time, or the relationship is becoming emotionally intense and your partner is unsure how to handle intense closeness.  While it is helpful to consider what is behind the behavior, be careful not to make assumptions or hold too tightly to what you discover. Considering your significant other’s experience is an exercise in empathy rather than problem solving (i.e. you could be wrong).  The empathy you have will help you when speaking to your partner. You will be able to enter the conversation with the intentions of understanding rather than accusations based on hurt feelings.

Finally, talk to your partner.  Tell them what you notice about them, how it makes you feel using “I statements,” and ask them to help you understand their behavior.  Open communication is the only way to get through this. The conversation may be difficult, but with it you can come to an understanding and learn more about each other and the relationship.  If the issues seem to stem from deeper concerns, such as differences in attachment styles, different expectations of the relationship, or difficulty communicating, and you are both committed to continuing the relationship consider seeking out a couples therapist who can help you overcome these obstacles as a team and develop a happy, healthy relationship with each other.