How to Increase Well-Being by Changing the Way You Speak

The way we speak is often a reflection of how we view the world, ourselves, and others.  Words are used to shape our perceptions in order to understand people, their motives, and their intentions.  Words are used to communicate and to think. However, some of these words that are commonly used are a danger to our own personal well-being and mental health.  One such word is “should.”

“Should” carries a lot of unintended negative consequences and connotations which can be used to bring us down, feel inadequate, increase anxiety and depression, and harm our relationships with others.  Don’t believe me? How often have you or someone used the word should and felt good about the rest of the message attached to it? I’m willing to bet it’s not all that often, unless its your grandma telling you you should have another cookie.

When “should” and its negative, “shouldn’t”,  are used in conjunction with an “I Statement” its often carrying someone else’s expectations for our lives:

               “I should get my to do list done before I watch a movie.”

               “I shouldn’t eat that piece of candy.”

               “I should make an effort to look pretty.”

               “I shouldn’t like {insert hip new thing} because I’m too old.”

               “I shouldn’t put myself first, I have kids.”

At other times, “should” is used to direct someone else to do something or judge them:  

               “You should wear something else.”

               “You should go to school to become a doctor not a journalist.”

               “You shouldn’t eat that.”“You should have done that sooner.”

               “You should break up with them.”

                “What you should have done is…”

Frankly, I could go on and on with examples of “should” but it’s kind of bumming me you.  I think you get my point and by now, you might have realized that associated with these statements are feelings of guilt, shame, inadequacy, or self-doubt.  When used towards someone other than yourself they can be harmful to relationships and feel like one person is trying to control the other. At other times, they are used to shame or guilt someone for not doing something or to conform to another’s beliefs.

Why is so much associated to such a small word?  

The answer comes down to values.  “Should”, even when involved in self-talk, involves placing someone else’s expectations or values onto our lives. Often these go against our beliefs, values, and preferences.  These expectations can come from friends, family, strangers, and society as a whole. These messages are all around us and get internalized as if this is the way things are supposed to be.  But when that happens, our freedom, confidence, and uniqueness gets ripped away. We lose ourselves and who we think we are.

One of my favorite philosophers, Socrates,  is believed to have said, “To find yourself, think for yourself.”  Banishing the “should” word from our vocabulary is one way to work on finding yourself and aligning yourself with your values.  When you banish “should” you banish all the expectations others hold for you. All that’s left is you; what you value, what you need to do, and the direction you want your life to go, all imperative to thinking for yourself.  

Banishing “should” requires examining the message underneath the “should” sentence and asking yourself if this message comes from your own beliefs or the beliefs and expectations of others.  If the belief comes from others, disregard the should. If it comes from your own beliefs and values, consider changing the phrasing to minimize the use of should and its negative connotations.  Essentially, using “should” is negative self-talk (unless its, “yeah I should stop using should!”) and contributes to negative self-esteem, self-doubt, and lack of confidence. Examples of ways to change the phrasing include:

               Instead of “I should work on this project for work.” use “I need to work on this project for work.”

               Instead of “I should exercise.” say “I’m going to exercise after dinner.”

               Instead of “I should go to bed at a decent time” change it to “I’m going to bed at 10pm.”

Not only is the “should” removed, but the sentence is also one of action rather than a passive expectation.  It creates a tangible goal and intention rather than judgement. Finally, it sets you up for feelings of accomplishment, pride, and doing something that was in accordance with your values and who you are.  You become closer to yourself and with that comes an increase in self-esteem, confidence, and well-being.